Today I wasn't expecting to write anything. To be honest, I didn't want to write for a while. Somehow, out of the blue, i had to.
Last week as not been easy. I been dealing with a family issue. My sister and i had to make a decision for the well being of our mother. It was a hard decision but it had to be made. It is going to take a while until things will be better. Although at the end of this post you might think that i am treating this issue as not as important, believe when i say, i chose not to develop it more.
I've also been struggling with some thoughts about myself.
I been thinking a lot what the fuck is wrong with me?
Why am i so alone? Why don't i have any real friends? Why can't i be in a relationship? Why almost everyone that i know gets away from me? Why is it so hard for me to meet new people? Why am i stuck in feelings that don't matter anymore? What the fuck am i doing wrong?
I accepted my personality a while ago. I know i am shy guy. I know i don't talk much at first. I know i am introvert. I know it is hard for me to make new friends but i am trying. I know i take way too long to get over someone. I know that i have some interesting stories to tell. I am funny and i like to have fun. I am loyal. I am a hard worker. I am reliable.
I am struggling with myself and with what is happening around me. It seems that i am stuck and everyone else is moving on. I had people telling me that i need to change my attitude. It may be easy for them but not for me. Is not as easy as switching a button. I wish it would.
Right now what is keeping me sain is photography. My mind has been distracted from work and when i am not working i go on a walk with the camera and for a few hours, nothing else exists. For a few hours, i am happy. I have also been distracted planning my trip to Thailand in November.
I try to make sense of it all. How everything came to this. Sometimes i blame it on myself, sometimes on my mother and aunt for not letting me go out when i was a teenager when all my friends were going out, sometimes i blame it on living alone, i blame it on not having a fixed job with fixed collegues, i blame it on not practising some team sport,i blame it on most of the bad and negative people I met, I blame it all.
The best time of life was when i first moved to Lisbon. I've met a lot of people. Good and bad. Maybe i need those connections again. I just don't see myself sharing a place with more than one more person anymore.
I said it before, tomorrow is another day and i know brighter days will come. In a way my revenge to everyone that abandon me, broke my heart, doubts me or have any ill will towards me is that i love what i do, i am good at it, and despite all my thoughts, i am not scared of being alone. I don't have to like it and i might even have a hard time changing it but in the end all of you will be the ones saying: "I envy you, Dário.". It may be childish and immature. And I don't care!
PS: I know i said on my first post i would not write about personal problems. I will try to keep it to a minimum. Sometimes i have to because it releases all the stress i have inside me.